I’ve always been a very planning person. I always used to know what I would be doing this evening, tomorrow, next week and had plans for next year. It was easier I guess. Safe and guaranteed, and I liked to make those plans real, mark them off the calendar. Tho I also always admired people, who are spontaneous and can just jump on the train of things and go with the flow. I was too scared to probably. And in those times I had the most beautiful and shiny crown as the Queen of overthinking, but i did not know it then. I realized my title only this last winter, because of reasons. Yes, seriously, I was horrible.
And even tho I am really trying to put that crown of overthinking down, to hide it somewhere in the room of requirement, it still haunts me. Whenever i try to act spontaneously, it sorta comes back. But I can deal with it. Just let me. Just let me.
I still try not to believe in destiny, fate, because I just can’t. Don’t want to. I guess I just want, need to have at least some control over my life. But when I talked to one friend, a mind came to my mind and did not leave: everything that actually happened and led me to this moment was always an accident. One night at my family’s lovely apartment after Christmas when I was a kid, me passing exams to art school, sudden decision on studies, the call to go for an interview to my current job, one warm midsummer party last year, meeting some amazing people this summer. Coincidences.
Led me to this exact moment, when I just breath out a blue cloud and whisper to myself “and now my watch begins”. To never again miss a chance. To try to convince myself, that things could be worked out and even if they don’t, our mistakes are the best and they are made for a reason. That destiny is awesome, but timing and locations are bitchy. That people come to us for a reason. Because someone trampled my fires and i left that pile of ashes behind for me to never look back again. Thank you. Because someone tried to find a spark in me, but i was not ready. But i was given hope. Thank you. And because someone actually found that spark, so small, barely alive and took it and made it a fire. And i will thank you personally. I will. And now my watch begins. I told myself I won’t fall for it, oh just look at me, I just did.
And don’t make me quote poetry, because I’m extremely good at messing things up.